A Conversation Between Two Track Porsches

"Wheelerguy" (wheelerguy)
03/03/2015 at 10:05 • Filed to: None

[ PUBLIC SAFETY ANNOUNCEMENT : Absolute nonsense, too many links, and random yammering about ahead. Don't wanna read this? Don't click the headline.]

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Cayman GT4 : So, !!!error: Indecipherable SUB-paragraph formatting!!!

!!! UNKNOWN CONTENT TYPE !!!

911 RS : Well, mostly my cousin R8, the AMG thing, and you're against the Focus RS, Tesla, and M4. I think that's about it.

Cayman GT4 : You're forgetting somebody.

911 RS : Nope. I've already mentioned who we're up against.

Cayman GT4 : You're being a sissy. I know who he is and you're not looking. It's that Aston, isn't it?

911 RS : Yeah, !!!error: Indecipherable SUB-paragraph formatting!!! , and, darn it—he looks more toned than me—

!!! UNKNOWN CONTENT TYPE !!!

Cayman GT4 : Well, you're right about that one. (laughs)

911 RS : —stop it, bruh.

Cayman GT4 : (chuckles) Alright, alright. I'll stop. You also think you can take on !!!error: Indecipherable SUB-paragraph formatting!!! ?

!!! UNKNOWN CONTENT TYPE !!!

911 RS : Maybe. Maybe not. He's got an unsightly horsepower number, and he's slicker, but I think I can corral him in the tight corners. BTW, I heard !!!error: Indecipherable SUB-paragraph formatting!!! . Said he can get it in a marathon and go back home still running.

!!! UNKNOWN CONTENT TYPE !!!

Oh, and that big, fat guy next block? !!!error: Indecipherable SUB-paragraph formatting!!! .

!!! UNKNOWN CONTENT TYPE !!!

Cayman GT4 : Yeah. Been on a regimen. That Bentley sure is serious a good pace to fight you on your turf. You raced him before, right?

911 RS : !!!error: Indecipherable SUB-paragraph formatting!!! though my dad's seen him thinner before. Oh, and hey, !!!error: Indecipherable SUB-paragraph formatting!!! . She's a hybrid and can fight to the death.

!!! UNKNOWN CONTENT TYPE !!!

Cayman GT4 : I could rub it in to her.

911 RS : Don't. Give her a break. I'm on it.

Cayman GT4 : Ugh. Then I'll just take the Ford.

911 RS : What Ford? !!!error: Indecipherable SUB-paragraph formatting!!! ?

!!! UNKNOWN CONTENT TYPE !!!

Cayman GT4 : No, the other guy. The show-off from out of state, son of the old Ford GT he says.

911 RS : !!!error: Indecipherable SUB-paragraph formatting!!! . I admit, I was taken aback, especially because he showed up first and was the first guy who said "Come at me, bro!" or something like that. Has a lot of spunk to back it up, though, so it seems to me.

!!! UNKNOWN CONTENT TYPE !!!

Cayman GT4 : I don't think it's a good idea to go race that bloke. I mean, he's got a V6, sure, but then, LOOK AT HIM!!! He's sexier than even me! Or that !!!error: Indecipherable SUB-paragraph formatting!!! over there, for that matter.

!!! UNKNOWN CONTENT TYPE !!!

911 RS : You mean !!!error: Indecipherable SUB-paragraph formatting!!! the interior designer?

!!! UNKNOWN CONTENT TYPE !!!

Cayman GT4 : I think... yeah, him.

911 RS : Which just reminds me... you think you can take on a Corvette?

Cayman GT4 : Seriously, he's a bigger show-off than the Ford. I mean, he has the nerve to fight GTS over at Dunsfold with a hammer. And we don't fight hammers.

911 RS : I'd show his big brother Z06 some hammer.

[ !!!error: Indecipherable SUB-paragraph formatting!!! rolls into frame. Both Porsches see it]

!!! UNKNOWN CONTENT TYPE !!!

Cayman GT4 : What is that?

911 RS : I don't know. Never heard of him before. But he looks a bit... old, I guess. But he sounds so new. Could be the engine.

Cayman GT4 : Could be a zombie, him.

911 RS : I'd take it as a word of caution. Let's go, Junior.

Cayman GT4 : Why do you keep calling me Junior?

911 RS : Let's just go silently, Junior. Don't do that thing again. Besides, we've a schedule over at the 'Ring.

Cayman GT4 : *engine revs louder* Stop calling me Junior.

*sudden flash of Hellcat eyes*

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As you can see, I just did bullshit, one that can only be made better with a German kind of Engrish, but at least you can see much of the supercar field that the particular variants of the 911 and Cayman are in. Now just move along into the rest of Oppositelock.

DISCUSSION (63)

Vicente Esteve > Wheelerguy
03/03/2015 at 10:18

*Hellcat enter the room. Kills both of them.*

Sir_Stig: and toxic masculinity ruins the party again. > Vicente Esteve
03/03/2015 at 10:21

*Hellcat enters the room. Tries to kills both of them. Hellcat's tires explode after second lap.*

Wheelerguy > Vicente Esteve
03/03/2015 at 10:23

Cayman GT4 : It's because you called me Junior. *dies*

911 RS : It's because you're whining. *dies*

Vicente Esteve > Sir_Stig: and toxic masculinity ruins the party again.
03/03/2015 at 10:25

PLOT TWIST: Cayenne comes in and beats both RS's.

Vicente Esteve > Wheelerguy
03/03/2015 at 10:27

Panamera : Its because im a fat. *dies*

Wheelerguy > Sir_Stig: and toxic masculinity ruins the party again.
03/03/2015 at 10:34

Yours is a better, more canon ending.

Nimrodical > Vicente Esteve
03/03/2015 at 11:21

Just because Jalopnik loves the hellcat doesnt mean that thing has any chance of competing with a Porsche unless it's at a burnout contest.

Mhart27 > Wheelerguy
03/03/2015 at 11:22

911 RS: Does this wing make my butt look big?

Cayman GTS: Why are you asking me?

911 RS: Cause its the only view of me you'll have ;)

Viperfan1 > Wheelerguy
03/03/2015 at 11:23

As much as I don't like it, GTR needs a mention. Also, Hellcat? Really?

Kinja'd!!!

SaveTheVipers > Vicente Esteve
03/03/2015 at 11:24

Viper shows up, laughs at them, "come talk to me when you catch up to my 2010 'ring times". Drives away.

stillthrottledown > Wheelerguy
03/03/2015 at 11:25

How does a Cayman compete with a Tesla?

Fred (FreddsterExprs) > Nimrodical
03/03/2015 at 11:26

No, of course a 4469lbs, 1995 e-class based Dodge will totally destroy the Porsches.

Vin > Wheelerguy
03/03/2015 at 11:27

Torchinsky made me hate random crack articles. Wheelerguy has made them kewl again.

10/10 would Google Hangout with all the Porsches

Gary Yogurt > Vicente Esteve
03/03/2015 at 11:27

Hellcat leaves the scene in a straight line, police find a burning pile of Mopar in first turn.

For Sweden > Viperfan1
03/03/2015 at 11:28

I also take throwaway jokes far too seriously.

camhabib > Vicente Esteve
03/03/2015 at 11:28

Like any good competition, if you can't beat 'em, kill 'em.

Michael Prichinello > Wheelerguy
03/03/2015 at 11:29

As a 991 GT3 owner that has an order in for the GT4, I think their biggest competitors are each other.

Daily Drives a Dragon - One Last Lap > Wheelerguy
03/03/2015 at 11:29

Actually, this was amazing. I enjoyed the read.

472CID > Wheelerguy
03/03/2015 at 11:30

Cayman GT4 competes against the Focus RS and Telsa? that as preposterous as Porsche speaking English.

Daily Drives a Dragon - One Last Lap > Vicente Esteve
03/03/2015 at 11:30

My mom likes the Panamera. I don't know what to tell her.

Somecarsalesman > Viperfan1
03/03/2015 at 11:35

The GTR Nismo is slower than the GT3 so what makes you think it would be able to compete with the GT3 RS? See EVO's track car of the year battle for reference.

Somecarsalesman > Vicente Esteve
03/03/2015 at 11:36

By sliding sideways into a pole, splitting in half and wrecking both the Porsches? Seems about the only way that's happening.

Viperfan1 > Somecarsalesman
03/03/2015 at 11:36

Why mention the Mustang or Jensen then?

Fenix > Sir_Stig: and toxic masculinity ruins the party again.
03/03/2015 at 11:39

Hellcat enters room, then runs back to factory because it's got a leak

CaptDale - is secretly British > Wheelerguy
03/03/2015 at 11:39

Ok now some one turn this into an animated series!! It would be so great!!!

Sagaris > Somecarsalesman
03/03/2015 at 11:47

I would be interested to see them racing on a bigger track than that, something like the streets of willow where the GTR Nismo was even faster than the Z06.

Considering Porsche said the GT3 RS can lap the Ring in 7:20 and the GTR Nismo did it in 7:08, it seems the GT3 RS might be better suited for small tracks like in the EVO track battle. I don't think the GT3 has the power to keep up on the bigger tracks.

isocuda > Wheelerguy
03/03/2015 at 12:00

Suddenly the GT4 springs into action and with a swift chop of his short throw shifter sends the RS on the defensive. "ONce I get your engine I will destroy you dear brother! BUAHAHAHAHAHA"

Suddenly a wild MARKETING EXEC appears!!

MARKETING EXEC uses STRATEGY

It's not very effective....

Caymen GT4's relative performance fell slightly.

GT4 "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO"

irisfailsafe5000 > Wheelerguy
03/03/2015 at 12:06

Porsches don't talk like that they are Germans.

Dr professor GT3 RS:

Junior, be careful about Corvette und GTR. **************** (recites all specs)

remember that they developed 1.15482484 Gs on the carousel and you need to.......

Ha! Danke dr. Prof. Porsche 991 Gt3 RS!

They have an accent!

caledoniacation > Vicente Esteve
03/03/2015 at 12:10

*GT3 RS uses corner attack*

*Hellcat spins and dies*

davesaddiction @ opposite-lock.com > Michael Prichinello
03/03/2015 at 12:13

Can't wait for your write-up of the GT4. What color/spec?

Honesty > Wheelerguy
03/03/2015 at 12:15

Anything you can do, I can do better. I can do anything better than you.

No you can't.

Yes I can.

No you can't.

YES I CAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!

ldympr > Vicente Esteve
03/03/2015 at 12:35

He would have o be the mediator, Oh children :)

ldympr > Mhart27
03/03/2015 at 12:36

500 stars to you sir!

CO > Wheelerguy
03/03/2015 at 13:32

Still have some of your weed?

zziro > Wheelerguy
03/03/2015 at 13:48

I really wanted more bitterness from the Cayman. Maybe something along the lines of calling out the 911 for being the first child and always getting the bigger portions (engine).

borrusclitlicka > Vicente Esteve
03/03/2015 at 14:00

LOL yeah right.

Hellcat: I'm gonna smoke me some nazi's toda.... Oh crap, have to go back to momma mopar's tit for a recall.

911 GT3 RS, Cayman GT4: Lol does anyone take this clown seriously?

Nimrodical > Fred (FreddsterExprs)
03/03/2015 at 14:01

Huh???

Evan, Pope Of Jalopnik by Self-Appointment > Vicente Esteve
03/03/2015 at 15:57

*immediately spins out and accidentally kills itself

turbojames > Vicente Esteve
03/03/2015 at 17:15

The Hellcat would spare the Z06 just because MURICUUUUHHH

In a Mini; let them mock me as My Mini Countryman is higher than you > Wheelerguy
03/03/2015 at 17:32

>The big guy

FOR YOU.

Kinja'd!!!

Dr. Mantis Toboggan, M.D. > Viperfan1
03/03/2015 at 20:18

What's that sound? Oh, it's the GTR fanboys, showing up 10 minutes late to the party with Starbucks.

Wheelerguy > Viperfan1
03/03/2015 at 21:21

Because the Jensen is a zombie.

Wheelerguy > 472CID
03/03/2015 at 21:22

Tesla Roadster. The new one.

Wheelerguy > zziro
03/03/2015 at 21:26

Wait for part 2, when they go to the 'Ring and Imola.

Vicente Esteve > Nimrodical
03/04/2015 at 07:49

Implying that it will kill both of them doesn't mean its better than either. Its just a Hellcat thing to do.

Vicente Esteve > SaveTheVipers
03/04/2015 at 07:51

Ram SRT-10 enters: "Come talk to me when you can tailgate."

Vicente Esteve > Gary Yogurt
03/04/2015 at 07:52

Moral of the story: Get your recall checked.

Vicente Esteve > camhabib
03/04/2015 at 07:53

In the Hellcats eyes, thats normal interaction.

Vicente Esteve > Daily Drives a Dragon - One Last Lap
03/04/2015 at 07:53

My father adores it, tell her to buy one.

Vicente Esteve > Somecarsalesman
03/04/2015 at 07:55

Whilst laughing and screaming with its supercharger.

Vicente Esteve > caledoniacation
03/04/2015 at 07:56

"Hellcat spins and dies... Laughing, because he is having a great time doing donuts."

Vicente Esteve > borrusclitlicka
03/04/2015 at 20:25

Yeah, thats a bit too off.

Vicente Esteve > Evan, Pope Of Jalopnik by Self-Appointment
03/04/2015 at 20:26

Third person that says Hellcat will kill itself when it slides.

Vicente Esteve > turbojames
03/04/2015 at 20:26

BRO FIST

turbojames > Vicente Esteve
03/04/2015 at 22:15

Charger Hellcat enters and screams at the top of its supercharged lungs, " YOU FOOLS! YOU THOUGHT THERE WAS ONLY ONE? MUHAHAHAHAHAHA!" And then steamrolls them. Without spinning out, because the Charger can actually corner.

Vicente Esteve > turbojames
03/04/2015 at 22:26

Are we missing something?

turbojames > Vicente Esteve
03/04/2015 at 22:32

I thought we were referencing the Challenger's esteemed ability to turn tires into heat and smoke. Both cars can take a corner if you're a racing driver who somehow doesn't wanna drift them.

Vicente Esteve > turbojames
03/04/2015 at 23:05

Absolutely

Evan, Pope Of Jalopnik by Self-Appointment > Vicente Esteve
03/05/2015 at 01:08

You know what they say...stereotypes exist for a reason